Review: The Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith

The Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

NATIONAL HELPLINE FOR INCEST, RAPE & ABUSE : 1-800-656-HOPE. HELP IS AVAILABLE AND IT IS CONFIDENTIAL.

TRIGGER WARNING - RAPE, SLUT SHAMING

"Whatever he thinks that I am, I'm not. And whatever he thinks my body is, it isn't. My body is a torture chamber. It's a fucking crime scene."

4/5 stars. This story is so painful and at the same time somewhere it gives a ray of hope that all is not lost. Three hundred minutes change Eden's life. She can never be the same again. She can never be who she was before everything happened. Eden refers to the incident as 'it', she can never bring herself to call 'it' rape. Nor can she raise her voice against the injustice done to her. So she reacts in a different way. She tries to destroy the girl to whom everything happened and tries to be this new girl who is untouchable, invincible. But in the process she looses herself.

The book is divided into four parts-freshman year, sophomore year, junior year and senior year. Through out her whole high school career Eden tries to forget what happened to her. She tries to somehow undo everything. She tries to forget the pain through booze, random sex, drugs but nothing ever changes. She meets a boy: Josh, the star athlete of her school who is different from the other jocks but cannot bring herself to express that how much she cares for him and when she does it is too late.

Eden is the victim of circumstances. She is the victim of the lies of her brother Caelin's best friend Kevin Armstrong, a bloody rapist. She faces slut shaming, hatred from others but nobody ever asks her what is the matter. Why is she upset? Nobody ever does and so Eden never tells anyone. The day it happened Eden's bed is covered with blood but her mother thinks that she got her periods. She never suspects that it could be the other way round. I don't exactly blame Eden. Rape is such a degrading thing that totally crushes the soul of the victim. So it is natural that she could not speak up for herself. But the readers out there who are reading this review know it you have to speak up for yourself because otherwise no one will. You are the alone lone fighter. Friends, family can help but they cannot fight your battle. You have to say it out loud. You have to live.

I wished that Josh and Eden would have a relationship but I am glad that it ended the way it did. At that point of Eden's life a relationship would not have been sustainable. Josh saved Eden from her demons but not in the known way. I did not like Caelin much. He was pretty stupid at times. At times I felt like punching him. Thank goodness that he realized his mistake at the end.

The book ended on a positive note with Eden thinking that she could start a new life. Maybe go to a college, maybe get into a relationship. She was trying to be a better human. 'Maybe' was her new word for hope. I hope that Eden finds her true happiness and everyone just like her.

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